Deviance (The Chicago Defiance MC Series Book 3) Page 2

  “This is fucking bullshit,” I call out as I turn on my heels, storming back toward the clubrooms. My anger’s swarming through me at such a rate of knots I’m not sure if I can control it.

  “Trax,” Mylee calls out, but I can’t be around her right now. I can’t listen to what she has to say because I’m going to be sharing my clubhouse with her for God only knows how long. I honestly don’t know if I’m going to be able to stand the heat that will surely burn me alive while being around this devil in disguise.

  TRAX

  My muscles are so tense I don’t know whether I need a stiff drink, to stab someone, or to fuck a woman senseless. But knowing Cindi is waiting for me in my room, I think I’ll go for the latter. The thought I’ve just walked off leaving Mylee behind with my brothers to straighten her shit out, eats at me. She had her chance, and she threw it in my face.

  I’m not a punching bag.

  I can’t fall at her feet every time she needs me.

  I’m not that guy.

  My feet pound heavy and hard as I storm down the hall toward my room. Brothers look to me as if they’re unsure of what the hell is going on outside. They’re hesitant as to why I’ve come in and the others haven’t, but I don’t care right now. All I care about is getting to my room, and shoving my cock so far inside Cindi she’ll be screaming for hours.

  My door flies open and smashes against the wall as I enter my bedroom. Cindi’s on my bed waiting for me like I knew she would be. Her long brown locks flowing over her exposed breasts as she sits up on my bed in only a pair of barely-there panties.

  She looks me up and down, her mouth twitches fighting back a smile. Her dark shadowed eyes giving her a sultry look as her pouted glossy lips make her seem tempting. “Looks like you’re all worked up and ready to go. Got some energy you need to expel there, Trax?” she asks circling a piece of her brunette hair around her pointer finger in a way which would usually make my cock hard. Pictures of Mylee in this very room flood through my mind, so I slam my door shut with a harsh thud. My breathing is fast as I try to rid the images of Mylee and me naked in my bed, but they keep coming like a slide show.

  Uninterrupted.

  Persistent.

  Relentless.

  “Trax, honey, you okay?” Cindi’s voice breaks me from my thoughts. I walk over to her determined not to let Mylee get into my brain.

  “Yeah. Don’t talk,” I demand as she rolls over on the bed knowing exactly what I need. Her plump ass lifts up in the air, her black lace thong showing me her perfect cheeks ready for me to punish as I see fit. I step up to her clenching my fingers in and out ready to make her pretty tanned ass a nice shade of pink when suddenly I hear gentle rapping on the door which makes both our heads swing around.

  “Trax,” Mylee’s silky voice whispers through the door.

  My chest tightens as I clench my eyes shut. My cock automatically pulsing at the thought of her being in this room, in this bed, instead of Cindi.

  Fucking traitor.

  “Shit!” I murmur as I take a deep breath, opening my eyes to see Cindi chewing on her bottom lip, assessing me.

  “Trax, are you in there?” Mylee calls out.

  My hand moves from rearing back ready to slap Cindi’s ass, to rubbing my temple trying to ease out the tension as I step back taking a breath.

  Cindi sits up on the bed pursing her lips. “Trax, it’s okay. We can finish this another time,” Cindi says, the kindness in her voice I don’t deserve.

  “Fuck her!” I blurt out.

  Cindi stands, placing her hand on my chest in an attempt to soothe me. “Trax, I’ve known you a long time. Whoever the girl is on the other side of that door…” she rubs her hand up and down my chest, “… you want her more than you want me. Trust me. You can try to deny it all you want, but it’s written all over your face and in your body language.” Cindi leans up gently placing a chaste kiss on my cheek.

  I let out a stifled laugh. “Since when are you so up on body language?”

  She waggles her brows. “Acting classes,” she replies with a shrug then turns grabbing her clothes, holding them to her bare chest as she reaches for the door handle. She pulls the door open to Mylee, who opens her eyes wide when she sees Cindi practically naked. Mylee gasps trying to look anywhere but at her.

  Cindi walks past Mylee with a chuckle. “He’s all yours gorgeous, but go easy on him. He’s a little rattled,” Cindi mentions casually.

  Mylee looks up to me with—if I’m not mistaken—a look of hurt flashing in her eyes.

  Well, fuck her! I have nothing to be sorry for. And even if I did, nothing happened with Cindi, so she can stop with the fucking sad puppy eyes. “Don’t look at me like that,” I snap at her.

  She sniffs, swallowing hard as she straightens her shoulders. “You’re right. I have no reason to expect anything of you. What you do here is of your own free will.”

  I scoff out a laugh. “Exactly…” I pause for effect then continue, “Is there something you wanted, Mylee? Or did you just come here to screw up my fucking life again?”

  Her face contorts like she’s hurt by my words, but she steps inside my room closing the door behind her, making my world feel a whole lot smaller. Suddenly, it’s just her and me, back where it all began. Everything rushes through my mind, and I have to turn away from her to try to gather my balls to shove them back in place.

  “I know I hurt you when I left—”

  I scoff interrupting. “I was fine. I am fine.”

  She sniffs. “Good… I’m glad. But Trax…” she lets out a heavy breath which makes me turn to look at her, her eyes are glassy and her bottom lip trembles, “… I wasn’t fine.”

  I have to look away from her to try and hold myself together. “I could have helped you. Fuck! I wanted to help you.” I turn to look at her, her eyes flood with tears then overflow, running down her round pink cheeks. It’s enough to make me walk forward taking her hands in mine. The spark that always ignites when I touch her flicks through my fingertips. It feels like my heart restarts when I look into her glistening eyes. “I would have done fucking anything for you, Mylee. Any. Fucking. Thing.”

  “I know!” she yells through a sob. “I know,” she murmurs again in a more hushed tone. “That’s why I had to leave. I couldn’t condemn you to this life—”

  “It wasn’t your choice to make, Mylee,” I blurt out interrupting throwing my hands in the air as I spin around letting out a loud huff.

  She sobs shaking her head. “Trax, you have to understand…” she blinks a few times, “… at that time my head was all over the place. I didn’t know what to think. What to do. You have to know that.”

  I turn back to face her clenching my jaw. “And now?”

  She sniffs, wiping the tears from her face. “Now? I’m better now.”

  Raising my brow, I scoff. “So, what? You’re fixed?” I snap my fingers together. “Just like that?”

  She rolls her eyes, glaring at me. “You know it’s not that simple. This isn’t something I can fix, Trax. This isn’t something anyone can fix. It’s not like you have a magic treatment, and you get better. It’s for life.”

  Gritting my teeth, I huff. “I know that, Mylee. I did my research when you were diagnosed. But then you fucking left me.”

  She looks to the floor her hands meeting together, her thumbs playing against each other nervously. I take a breath knowing this isn’t healthy for her. So, I try to tone it down a notch. “It’s just… you look, good… healthy. Different from how you looked last time I saw you.”

  A faint curve forms on her lips as she takes a step closer, grabbing my hands making a spark shoot into the dark depths of my fucking soul again.

  Fuck her, and her damn magic spark!

  “I was ill, for a long time after I left you. Leaving you was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, Trax. But being diagnosed with bipolar disorder after seeing what my mother went through, it scared me. I know you would’ve helped me. I know you would h
ave stuck by me no matter what, but I didn’t want you to have to go through what my father and I had to go through with my mother. This life…” she shakes her head, “… I don’t want this for you.”

  I flare my nostrils, our bodies only a fraction apart. Her sweet smelling perfume invades my senses. It’s like an intoxicating reminder of how much I love this woman, even after two years separated, even after she broke my damn heart. Except anger seeps into my pores, and even though the reminder of love is ever present, my anger is winning out, raging through me making it hard to focus on anything but.

  “It shouldn’t have been your call to make, Mylee. For fuck’s sake, I was in… I was all in. I didn’t care if you were ill. I loved you. I saw you at your lows, I saw your highs. I fucking saw it all, and I still fucking loved you… but you just pushed me aside when it came down to it.” I sigh. “You killed a piece of me that day, Mylee.”

  She lets out a small sob, her hand moving to her mouth as she stares at me. “I can’t apologize enough, Trax. But you have to understand—”

  “No! If you try and talk to me now, I’m gonna hurt you with words if you come at me. I’ll be an asshole, and you’re gonna end up hating me. So, it’s better if you just walk the hell away.”

  She pulls back from me entirely, looking down at her thumbs knotting together. Her head bobs once in acknowledgment, and a single tear slides down her rosy cheek. “Shit, of course. You’re still angry, I get that. I’m sorry I left you the way I did. You have to know I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.”

  I let out a half-laugh half-scoff. “Of course, I know that, Mylee! I was right there. In the thick of it. With you. Dammit! I wanted to help you, remember? But you wouldn’t let me. You didn’t have enough faith in me. You didn’t fucking trust me.”

  She reaches out, her eyes pleading with me as she sniffs dramatically. “No. Trax, no! That’s not it at all. I trusted you. I trusted you with my life. I still do. I just didn’t want you dragged into my hellhole of a life.”

  I scoff. “I would’ve never been in hell with you, Mylee, but you threw me into its depths the minute you walked out on me. You should have known that. You should’ve known what it would do to me.”

  She sniffs again, looking back to her hands. “I’m sorry I hurt you. Just know I never stopped thinking about you. I had to get my head on straight… for me. Get my mind functioning properly… without any interference.”

  “And is it?” I ask.

  She glances back up as another tear flows down her cheek. “Everything seems crystal clear to me right now, Trax.”

  The words hit me right in the chest like a motherfucking sledgehammer. Gritting my teeth, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

  Mylee coming back into my life right now could be so fucking good.

  But I’m damaged.

  I’m broken.

  Mainly due to her, and because of it, I’m not even half the man I was. The man I’ve become doesn’t deserve her anymore. Things have changed for me and not for the better. I don’t know if having her by my side would do her more harm than good. She needs a stable man not someone with a volatile temper and a bad fucking attitude.

  Her eyes flood with tears as she takes it all in. Mylee wipes her face as she tries to step forward toward me, but I step back shaking my head. “Trax—”

  “You need to leave my room.” My voice is gruff, void of emotion as I keep my eyes focused on her.

  Her face falls as if she’s horrified like she certainly wasn’t expecting me to say that.

  “Trax? Really? You’re just going to throw me out before we’re finished talking this through?”

  Turning my back to her, I head for my door, opening it. “We’re done talking, Mylee. There’s nothing left to say.”

  I hear her breath catch in her throat as the unmistakable sound of her moving toward the door rattles me, but I stand fast, holding it open as I glance out to the hallway. Luckily no one is there to watch this mess unfold.

  She steps up to me, purposely looking me in the eyes as she makes her exit. “I’m going to be here for a while, Trax…” she sighs, “… we should at least be civil to each other.”

  I swing the door wider. I need her to go before I cave and kiss the fuck out of those delectable lips. She looks so fucking good right now, even with her tear-stained face. I hate that I’ve caused those tears, but they can’t be helped. I’m no good for her. “Just go, Mylee. We need some space right now.”

  She tilts her head but walks out of my room leaving the air feeling heavy. It always feels lighter when she’s around, but now the blackness of doom filters back around me as she walks down the hall.

  I can’t help but wonder if I’ve just made the fucking worst call of my life.

  MYLEE

  Walking away from Trax is so much harder than I thought it would be. I’ve done it once before, but I certainly wasn’t in the right frame of mind at that time. Walking away from him now, while in a different context, feels painful too. I wanted to sit with him, talk through things, to tell him all about what’s happened over the past two years, but he wouldn’t even spare me the time to go through it with him.

  I get it, though. I know I hurt him, seems more than I thought. But at the time, I left for his benefit. Certainly didn’t want him going through what I was going through. I didn’t want to pull him down to a level so low, I knew he’d probably never climb out of it. I wish he could see the situation how I see it, but I don’t think he ever will.

  Life with me isn’t easy. I was a freaking mess, but I have more control over it now. While my moods are far more stable, it’s still a slippery slope. While some things can make me fall over the edge into a depressive state, I generally find I’m able to come out of it easier. The mania, I hardly ever experience, which is nice because those episodes are hard work. The depression can be difficult to work your way out of, and it affects those around you, and right now I can feel the heaviness of my mood shifting.

  I don’t like it.

  I hate the weight bearing down on me—that’s what it feels like—almost like a storm is rising above my head, the lightning and thunder cracking above me with the threat of imminent downpour. If I don’t do something to ease the current storm, it will be a torrential deluge, and I won’t be able to stop the inevitable hurricane which will follow. I need to get a handle on this now before it takes hold.

  That’s the thing about these past two years, it’s taught me to recognize when my moods are shifting, to take note of when to take action. Like now. So as I walk back out into the clubroom, wiping the tears from my cheeks, I glance at Dad who notices instantly. His eyes open wide as he stops everything and rushes to my side along with Torque.

  “Mylee, what did the little prick do?” Dad asks, making me let out a small laugh.

  “Nothing I didn’t kind of expect. But Dad, I need my pills.”

  His hard glare softens instantly as I glance to Torque who furrows his brows like he’s confused. I don’t know if Trax ever told anyone about my diagnosis or why I left, but by the look on Torque’s face, I’m guessing he didn’t. Dad turns, racing off to my bags which have obviously been brought in during my time in Trax’s room. He digs around then pulls out the little pill bottle, rushes back to me opening the cap and drops out a pill handing it to me.

  Torque keeps quiet watching the whole thing unfold with his arms crossed over his chest, his brow raised like he’s unimpressed. “Crest, a word,” Torque grunts out as I sniff, grabbing a bottle of water from the bar and throwing back the pill quickly.

  The thunder above my head cracks another loud bolt, and I shudder as my anxiety creeps in.

  What if being here is the wrong thing for me?

  Being around these guys, even though I know them, might set me off.

  They might all be against me because I hurt Trax.

  They might not welcome me with open arms like I had originally thought.

  Shit! Dad and I didn’t think this through
at all.

  My breathing becomes rapid while I lean against the bar and close my eyes trying not to let this panic overwhelm me. My fingers dig into the edge as my back leans against it heavily. Everything seems so loud as the music blares on the stereo. Everything becomes vivid, so real, my senses take over. My body shudders from the cold, my heart racing so fast I can’t seem to calm it. Thoughts of everyone here looking at me, laughing at me, thinking I’m some sort of crazy lunatic all flood my mind. It’s all so overwhelming as tears flow freely from my eyes. Everything around me seems to be moving at a fast pace even though I have my eyes clenched so tight I can’t see anything. I feel like my world is spinning as I pant and breathe so fast the storm is invading, the thunderous clouds rolling in, the fog invading every nook of my body.

  I can’t breathe.

  Oh God, I can’t breathe.

  I clench at my chest as my knees buckle from under me making me collapse to the floor. My knees pull up to my chest as I try hard to pull in the air that isn’t coming as someone appears in my line of sight. I remember her, her beautiful face. She appears a little older. Grown in such a short amount of time, the sight of her is distracting momentarily. Her hands reach out touching either side of my face as she looks into my eyes and controls her breathing. I know what she’s doing. I’ve seen it before, so I follow her breaths, slowly breathing in, then slowly I breathe out. They come out ragged and puffy, but I’m doing it while my heart continues its frantic pounding.

  Suddenly, Dad’s in my vision and so is Torque as they stand back, letting the girl do her thing. She’s doing a good job, I’m distracted enough to let the storm pass. The thunderous clouds slowly roll away as I watch Dad’s somber face crinkle while he stares at me seeming completely frazzled by my sudden turn. I haven’t had a panic attack for months—probably at least six. So this is not a good sign.

  “Mylee?” the girl asks finally, as I look back at her, my breathing almost back to normal. “Mylee, can you hear me?”