Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree: A Red Velvet Christmas Novel Read online

  I pull out my phone and scroll through the pictures of us together. My heart starts to race thinking of what he could be doing right now. Are they talking? Are they arguing? Are they undressing each other and having wild, passionate sex? I don’t want to think about the latter. But my brain seems to be zoning in, only on the latter.

  I can’t stand the waiting anymore so I excuse myself from the table and stand up to go and find Aston. My legs are shaky and my hands are trembling with the thought of what I might find. My heels are unsteady as they sink into the lush grass near the exit of the gazebo, I gaze around wondering where to look first. Staring over toward the house, I see a couple of people gathered by the back door, but no Aston. I turn around and look toward the lake and see someone walking up in the shadows. Straining my eyes, eventually I see that it’s Aston. He’s alone and his clothes are on. Phew!

  “Aston, are you okay?” I call out as he walks up to me, every step he takes my heart sinks further into the ground.

  He looks me in the eyes then grabs me by my hips and pulls me to him forcefully wrapping himself around me. I giggle at his strength and he looks me in the eyes as he leans in and kisses me vigorously and passionately. I’m taken a little by surprise and open my eyes wide by his sudden display of affection, but my body is quickly reacting and my mouth opens as I kiss him back. Mint and whiskey. My tongue slides against his and my hands run up his back and into his messy brown hair. I close my eyes and get lost in him. Kissing Aston is effortless and every time goose bumps line my skin. He slowly pulls back and looks into my eyes, his are glistening with unshed tears and straining to keep focused. I bite my bottom lip and he exhales and steps back putting a gap between us, but he still has his hands on my waist.

  “You’re so beautiful, and you’re so good to me. I really don’t deserve you,” he says, my lips turn upwards in happiness.

  “You’re good to me too, you’ve helped me through a lot. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I say honestly. He winces and his hands drop from my sides and he looks back into the gazebo.

  “Let’s go join the party, hey?” I don’t miss the awkwardness in his voice. The slight drop in tone that tells me something isn’t okay with him. I wonder whether to push him for information about his time with Annie or to just let it go for now. I choose the latter as he grabs my hand and walks us into the gazebo. We arrive back to our round table that’s draped in a crisp white table cloth, and a simple fish bowl with black orchids decorating the middle. It’s beautiful and yet somehow manly at the same time, it’s definitely Colt with a touch of Lia–his wife. Aston pulls out my chair and I sit down on the soft cushion, which makes me feel more relaxed in this rock star environment. Aston is immediately taken away by Caleb, Annie’s cousin. He needs to talk to him urgently, seeming to be having a crisis of his own. So now I’m left here at the table where I’ll be drinking by myself again.

  I’ve been keeping my eye out for Annie, but she hasn’t come back to the party, and that in itself is unnerving. Ella, Annie’s sister, is missing too, and there’s no one here I can talk to.

  Aston has been gone for the good part of an hour and I’ve been drinking non-stop and I’m in dire need of the bathroom. Deciding I can’t wait for Aston to come back any longer, I drag my heels toward the exit of the gazebo feeling the slight buzz in my head of alcohol and a sinking feeling in my stomach that Aston’s not chatting to Caleb about his love life, but maybe off chatting about ours. Tonight is not going at all how I’d planned.

  The last couple of weeks has been strange with Aston. We haven’t slept together in over a week and that in itself is odd. I feel like he’s pulling away, and all I can do is stand back and watch me lose him. I walk on the plush grass of the manor lawn, and I can’t help but hope that one day my band Red Velvet makes it as big as Colt’s band Slayed. That way I can have a house like this too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not poor or wanting for anything, actually I’m quite well off. Mum saw to that in her will. I was left with the family home in Richmond which is enormous and luxurious, but it’s not a manor and it certainly doesn’t ooze the rock star royalty this place does.

  Walking into the back of the manor, I look around for Aston but I don’t see him anywhere. I slump my body and continue my walk to the pristine bathroom. After spending too long in there looking in the mirror and trying to tell myself that everything is fine and I have nothing to worry about, I shuffle back out into the kitchen and just as I get to the back door I spot Annie. She’s holding a bourbon bottle in her hand, her hair’s a mess and she’s obviously been crying for a sustained amount of time.

  “Jesus Annie, are you okay? You look terrible?”

  She scoffs and keeps walking past me and inside the house through the kitchen and out of my view. She truly looked horrible and I can only imagine that her talk with Aston didn’t go as she planned. I feel sorry for her, but I can’t stop the smile that crosses my face.

  If she looks that bad, then it means he chose me!

  I smile broadly as I make my way back to the gazebo with a renewed spring in my step. Aston finally told Annie it’s really over with them, I can tell by the way she looked.

  He chose me, he actually chose me! I was worrying for nothing.

  Walking on the grass is hard in my heels, especially with a slight buzz from all the champagne I’ve been drowning myself in, but as I take cautious steps back inside the gazebo, I see Aston at the table looking around. When he spots me, he smiles and waves. I wave back as giddy butterflies dance in my stomach. I make my way to him and he chuckles when he sees me.

  “You look happy?” he says and I nod.

  “Just having a good night that’s all. Are you?” I ask leaning in kissing him quickly.

  He smiles and takes my hand. “I am, but I think I better take you home. It’s getting late,” he says and I frown and purse my lips.

  “Take me home? Aren’t I staying at your place tonight? My house is an hour away,” I say and he smiles reassuringly and pulls me to him.

  “I’d rather go to yours. It’s quieter there, we can be alone. No…parents.”

  Aston’s still lives at his parent’s house, so I understand fully. I smile and nod as my heart kicks into gear at the thought that he wants to be alone, so we can finally make love again.

  I wink at him and smile. “I get it, okay babe take me home. You okay to drive? Haven’t drunk too much?” I ask safety first.

  “Yeah, I’ve only had two drinks,” he says and takes my hand leading me out.

  I wave goodbye to Chad and Caleb, Chad waves and Caleb looks at me and waves, but his eyes droop and he frowns, looking at me longingly almost like he’s saying goodbye for the last time. It kind of freaks me out. I hope he’s okay.

  “Is Caleb okay?” I ask as we walk on the sturdier ground to Aston’s car.

  He raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you guys were chatting for ages and he looked so sad just now,” I say and Aston’s shoulders go taut and he inhales sharply as he opens my car door.

  “He's all right, nothing to worry about,” Aston deflects.

  I gnaw on my bottom lip and nod as I slide into his car. The cold texture of the leather seats sends a chill up my spine as he closes my door and walks around to his side and gets in, quickly starting the engine and pulls out of the Slade manor. The car is silent as we drive onto the M40. I move my hand over onto his on the gear stick and he turns to give me a half smile and then looks back to the road. The excitement and happiness I felt of him choosing me is slowly vanishing at his frosty demeanor and lack of conversation in the car at this moment.

  Neither of us says a word as his shoulders are still tight, his breathing is sharp and shallow and it’s making me nervous. I really want to know what happened with Annie. Our relationship has always been pretty open and honest. So I decide to talk. “So, I know I probably shouldn’t ask—”

  “Then don’t,” he interrupts abruptly putting me in my place so I si
nk back into the leather seat. He changes gears and my hand slips from his on the gear stick and instead of holding his hand again, I place it in my lap and I fiddle my thumbs. Aston’s breathing harshly his forehead is creased and his eyes are tight slits. His mouth is pinched into a tight line and I just wish I knew what he was thinking about.

  “Aston, please talk to me? I know you’ve had a rough night, but I’m your girlfriend. I’m your support, let me be here to support you,” I say and he exhales and shakes his head.

  “Look, I know you want to know what happened with Annie. Let’s just get you home and then we can talk about it, okay? I don’t want to discuss anything while I’m driving,” he says and my shoulders lock and my neck stiffens. Swallowing hard, I sink further down into the seat hoping it will consume me.

  He turns and looks at me. “Okay?” he asks.

  I nod and then turn around looking out the window to the street. Staring at the other cars, the people in them seem happy. Whereas, I’m sitting here in a car with my boyfriend, my eyes welling with tears while his ex looms thickly in the air. I’m drowning in Annie all over again, and I can’t shake the feeling that everything’s turning to shit. I keep my eyes fixated on the cars outside my window.

  I can’t make myself look at Aston again for the entire hour journey to my house. The trip is long and torturously quiet. Neither of us says anything while I try desperately to hold myself together. He turns down my street and pulls into my drive. The deafening silence in the car makes every other noise so much more significant and the sound of the tires rotating against the driveway is like a train pummeling into my soul.

  No words are spoken as we get out of the car. Opening the front door, I walk in and the darkness in the street is heightened by the sound of cicadas chirping in the early morning. A cool breeze wafts over my sensitive flesh making my skin break out in goose bumps and a chill runs down my spine not only from the breeze but from the icy reception Aston is giving me. I turn to face him as we walk into the hall and he switches on the light and closes the front door.

  “This is ridiculous. We never go this long without talking. Something is up and you’re making me very uncomfortable Aston,” I admit and his body slumps and he leans his side against the wall and looks at the floor.

  “I’m sorry, I’m a mess,” he says and my chest tightens and I exhale feeling sorry for him. Taking a step closer, I take his hands in mine and he gazes up at me as I look into his magnificent blue eyes.

  “Then let me help you. Let me take away your pain. That’s my job, babe. I’m meant to help you through the tough times,” I tell him and he swallows hard while pulling his hands from mine making me furrow my brows in confusion.

  “Amber…you’re amazing. You’re funny. You’re caring. You love with your whole heart unconditionally and you’re so good to me it’s not fair…” he trails off looking up at the ceiling.

  My chest starts to constrict and my heart is racing, silently wishing the ceiling would cave in on us. “What’s not fair?” I hesitantly ask and he shakes his head running his hand through his hair.

  “What I’ve done to you,” he says and I’m frozen to the spot and I honestly can’t move.

  “What do you mean?” I ask thinking he did more with Annie than just talk.

  He turns around and places his hands against the wall and leans his head on the plasterboard with a thud. I furrow my brows watching him, he looks so lost.

  “You’re such a good person. I’m a fucking arsehole,” he murmurs and my bottom lip trembles. I fold my arms over my chest and hold myself for fear of falling apart.

  “Aston, you’re not an arsehole. Just tell me what you did?” I whisper and he crashes his fist against the wall causing a loud bang which makes me jump on the spot.

  He turns, his eyes distant and glassy as he looks at me. “I made you love me when I love someone else,” he says and the words slice through me like a Samurai sword gutting me at my very core. Hot overwhelming tears pool in my eyes and flow down my flushed cheeks. The rivulets of water almost stinging as they drag down my skin.

  He didn’t choose me.

  “But with time you could learn to love me?” I ask through a sob as I lean forward and take his hand in desperation.

  He exhales and shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Amber. You’re such a good person—”

  “Stop telling me I’m a good person. If I’m so good then why am I not good enough?” Spittle sprays from my mouth as my blood pressure spikes. Angry tears flood hot and fast as I glare at him.

  He winces and exhales. “You are good enough. It’s me. I’m not good enough for you,” he replies.

  The thumping in my chest pounds so hard it’s painful as the tears don’t stop their downpour. “Bullshit, Aston. If you don’t want me, then don’t make up some lame excuses. It was Annie all along. Was I just some stepping stone, just some time waster until she wanted you back?” I spit at him.

  He exhales and tries to grab my hands, but I pull away as I sob so hard, snot bubbles from my nose. “No, get away from me.”

  “Amber, come here,” Aston says stepping toward me embracing me in his tight hold. I try to struggle to get away from him, but he’s too strong and he pulls me to his chest wrapping his arms around me. The minute my body is against his, I feel at home and my body relaxes into his. I cling to him and cry into his chest.

  “I’m so very sorry,” he whispers as he holds me tightly. “I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you could help me get over her. But in the end I just realised I will never get over her. She’s the one for me,” he says and my chest hurts so much that while trying to get some much-needed oxygen in I’m actually physically gasping for air. I can’t believe the man I’m so deeply in love with feels for someone else the way I do about him. This is killing me, and all the grief I’ve suppressed is now hitting me full force.

  “I love you so much, Aston. Did you ever love me? Can’t you try to love me back?” I murmur through my sobs as I cling to him.

  He exhales as his hands run over me attempting to soothe me unsuccessfully. “I tried to love you Amber…but all my love is for Annie,” he says stabbing the knife in and twisting it.

  “So you’re back together then?” I ask as I almost wretch saying the words.

  He exhales and shakes his head. “I don’t know. Not right now we’re not. I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is it’s not fair for me to be with you when I’m clearly in love with her still. I thought the feelings would fade away and vanish with time. I thought I could love you. You’re perfect and I really wanted to love you, Amber,” he says.

  Suddenly anger seeps in, my hands clutching at his shirt, I push his chest making him take a step back from me, his feet shuffle under him and he almost loses balance.

  “You were using me,” I state. He slumps his body and steps closer to me as I take a step back.

  “I didn’t think I was, but now I see maybe that’s exactly what I was doing. I’m so desperately sorry that I’ve done this to you,” he says taking another step forward. I take another step back keeping the distance and putting my hand up to stop him.

  “I love you! I fucking love you with everything in me Aston. I have nothing left to give. You were it for me, do you get that?” I say an octave louder than my usual voice, the sound echoing through the hallway.

  “I know, I’m so sorry I let it go this far,” he says and I scoff.

  “How could you do this to me? You knew I was hurting when you met me. You pulled me from a pain-filled abyss and now you’re throwing me right back in there. Only this time it’s worse because now I have no one to drag me out again.”

  He shakes his head. “That’s not true, your brother will be there for you.”

  I scoff as the tears continue to sting my face. “You think my brother can save me. You’re breaking me, Aston. You’re dooming me to a life without love. I can never come back from this. How can I trust again after this? You’ve ruined me!” I yell and he steps c
loser, but I start to thrash my hands around to stop him from getting anywhere near me. He grabs my hands and pulls me to him as I sob so hard that my body is aching from all the heaving. He pulls my body against his and to my surprise his lips meet mine, and my world turns on its axis and spins out of control. The man I’d give up my life for is kissing me and it feels so right, but I know that this is our goodbye kiss and the thought alone is crippling me. My knees buckle from under me and crash to the cold marble floor. My body goes limp as I fall to the frigid floor sobbing and wilting away just like a flower dying under the blistering sun.

  Aston rests his hand on my back and I hear him sniff as though he’s crying. But I’m curled up in a ball and I can’t bring myself to look at him.

  “I’m so, so sorry, Amber. After talking with Caleb, I have to go with my heart. Annie is my heart. I hope you’ll be okay. I hate seeing you like this and knowing I’m the reason you’re this way kills me. But I know you’ll make it through the storm. You’re strong, Amber Jewel. Thank you for loving me like you have. I’ll never forget you,” he says and leans down kissing my head.

  I continue to sob, curled into a ball on the cold menacing marbled floor. My sobbing is surrounding my senses until I hear his footsteps walking away from me, then the latching of the front door closing with a gentle click. I feel his presence leave before I see it. The warmth and happiness in my life departed through that door and I have nothing left to live for. Pain is an emotion I can’t stand to bare. Everything that meant something to me is gone, and now the pain of losing my mother that was masked by being with Aston is swallowing me whole. I’m drowning…I’m drowning so fast I don’t think I can surface. But most of all I want to let it suffocate me, so I can’t feel the tortuous pain anymore. The pain is too much. I need this to be over. I want this to be over…