Pick (Recoil Rock #1) Read online

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “You’re sorry?” I repeat and throw my hands in the air. “I love you. We’re getting married for fuck’s sake,” I yell the last part.

  She bites her bottom lip and looks down at her engagement ring. Sliding it off her finger she hands it back to me so casually like it means nothing and isn’t breaking the very foundations of my fucking soul.

  My entire body slumps as my eyes flood with tears, but I blink them away.

  I can’t lose her.

  I just can’t.

  I’ve given up so much to be with her.

  I love Ella more than anything in this world. I need to fight, so I kneel in front of her wrapping my arms around her waist. “Baby, please don’t do this. Ella, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’ve given up so much. I’ve changed who I am so I could be with you. You’re everything to me. Please don’t do this,” I beg.

  She shakes her head closing her eyes with finality. “I have to. My heart isn’t in it, Danger. I can’t keep lying to us both.”

  My tears don’t fail me this time as they flow down my cheeks. I’m not ashamed to cry for something I love as I place my head on her lap and sob into it. My heart is being ripped to shreds, and all I want is for her to make me feel better.

  She’s my salvation and she is my ruin.

  Her fingers run through my hair, but it doesn’t ease the pain. All it does is enhance it by showing me that I won’t have this again. She doesn’t want me, even after everything, she doesn’t want me.

  “I love you so much. My life’s in England now. What am I meant to do?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m going to do, Danger. But we’re young and life is short. That’s painfully obvious to me now. So I can’t keep living a lie. I’m very sorry I’ve hurt you,” she says as I look up at her. She strokes my cheek and then it dawns on me why this is all happening.

  I stiffen and grit my teeth. “Chad, right?”

  She scrunches up her face. “I don’t know. I don’t know where the road is taking me, Danger. All I do know is that I can’t continue on it with you. I can’t pretend like we’re good for each other.”

  Needing some distance from her, I stand up while the realization sinks in of what she’s just said—it hits me hard.

  She’s leaving me for fucking Chad.

  I look around the room aimlessly as if it will help me find something to make me feel better, but I come up short. “What about the house?”

  “You have it. I’ll go back to the manor,” she says.

  I turn to look at her. “You know this is only happening because you’ve been through trauma, right?”

  She shakes her head. “No Danger, I’ve been feeling it for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

  Running my hand through my hair, my body slumps as understanding pounds into me like a semi—she never truly loved me. Certainly not like I do her.

  “God Ella, if you were so unhappy why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve been better for you? I could’ve tried harder. I thought I was doing everything right.”

  “You were. You were doing everything right, Danger. You haven’t done anything wrong at all. I know this is going to sound like a cliché but this is all me.”

  I groan at her words. “Goddamn it Ella, you’re fucking breaking me right now. I gave up everything, every-fucking-thing for you. Do you not get that? I left my life for you. I changed the person I was for you. Fuck! How am I not enough for you?” I storm back over and take her head in my hands forcing her to look at me. “I love you, Ella… with everything in me, I love you. You know that, right?” I slide my thumbs to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks.

  “I love you, too. Just not enough, Danger. I’m sorry.”

  Again it’s like a knife to the gut, the pain is so immense. I let her face go forcefully, but lean down and kiss her forehead. My chest is rising and falling hard as I linger on her skin a little longer than necessary and then walk over to my suitcase.

  “You’re making a massive mistake, Ella… and you’re fucking breaking me in the process. I know you’ve been through something traumatic and life altering, but making huge decisions like this right now isn’t the right thing to do. I’ll give you some time to really think things through… to really think about us, because I don’t want to give up on us. I adore you too fucking much to let you go. But I’ll give you the time you obviously need—”

  “I don’t need time, Danger. I’ve made my mind up.”

  My chest thuds again as my eyes fill with more unshed tears.

  Jesus this seems really final.

  “Fuck Ella! Don’t do this. Please! I fucking love you. I can’t function without you.” Tears slowly flow down my cheeks as I stare at her.

  She wipes the tears from her pale cheeks with a sniff and shakes her head. “And I can’t function without him.”

  A wave crashes over me—more like a tsunami—washing away every ounce of strength, and in the process purges any ounce of energy I have left to fight. My chest heaves dramatically with pain while a deep throaty groan escapes my throat. My fist clenches and I punch my knuckles straight through the plasterboard wall. I don’t have time to register the pain in my hand before I turn my anger toward a lamp hurtling it across the room, while another throaty yell explodes deep from within my lungs.

  While hyperventilating, I feel the blood pulsating through every inch of me as the air rushes through my lungs quickly. Blood pools and then runs down my fingers onto the carpet from my busted up knuckles as I turn to take a last look at Ella. She cowers away from my outburst, but I don’t care how scared of me she looks right now. So I stare her down with a harshness so cold and distant I hope she feels horrid.

  “I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved in this world. I have nothing now. You’ve taken everything from me. I hope you’re damn happy.” I grab my luggage and storm out of the hotel room with anger eating me alive, as well as a sadness that might well devour me whole.

  For some reason my body seems to be failing as I hobble to the elevator. The doors open and Annie—Ella’s sister—and Aston walk out instantly spotting me. They furrow their brows while I attempt to avoid all eye contact with them.

  “Danger… are you okay?” Annie asks.

  I think about her question and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

  No, I’m not fucking okay.

  The love of my life just left me for another man. I’m a mess.

  And with that thought, my body seems to lose all function and I fall to the floor bringing my knees up to my chest.

  “She doesn’t want me,” I whisper out.

  “What do you mean?” Annie asks.

  “I mean she just fucking broke my heart.”

  Annie winces and squats down beside me as I breathe harshly through my nose trying to stop my head from spinning, but that just makes the head spins worse.

  “She broke up with you?”

  I simply nod, the pressure in my chest is too much for me to be able to form words.

  “Shit man, I’m sorry,” Aston offers clasping my shoulder.

  I glare at him. “Are you? Are you really ‘cause I don’t think any of you will be that upset by this. You all wanted her to dump me. You all wanted her with Chad. Well, guess what? Now you fucking have your wish. He can have her. I can’t play second best to him anymore,” I blurt out.

  Annie winces as Aston exhales and chews on his bottom lip.

  “We never wanted you guys to break up, Danger. What makes you think that?”

  “Just… leave me the fuck alone.”

  “I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Aston murmurs looking across at Annie.

  I shake my head suddenly finding the inner strength to stand back up. Swallowing hard, I start to talk. “She doesn’t want me, fine! I don’t fucking want her either!”

  I turn to walk off but Annie calls out to me, “Yo
u don’t mean that.”

  “I’m done, Annie.”

  Spinning back around to face her, I scowl and flare my nostrils. “I gave up everything for your sister. Every. Fucking. Thing. If she thinks she can break me, she has another think coming. I’m going to bury myself so deep in pussy I’ll be like an apprentice to Hugh fucking Hefner. Just you see. This won’t break me… she won’t break me. She can fucking go off with Chad and have her happy little life, but I’m not going to wait around and wallow. Fuck her! Fuck Ella Slade…” pausing, I yell, “You won’t break me, Ella,” as I storm off toward the elevator slamming my finger on the button continuously.

  The door bings and opens. Quickly I turn back looking at the life I had, the life I loved, and step into the elevator, the door closing on the life I gave everything up for.

  Everything I’ve just said was a front to the agony in my chest. I gasp for air as the walls close in around me. I try hard to find the air I need but it’s not coming.

  She broke me.

  Ella fucking broke me.

  Every. Fucking. Single. Inch of me.

  I want to hate her.

  So bad.

  Every part of me is itching to curse her name and burn her photos, but I fucking love her so much.

  The fucking bitch.

  The doors open too damn slowly, so I push past them dragging my luggage behind me. I step out into a crowded foyer while people stare at me falling apart while making my way outside to a cab. After throwing my suitcase in the trunk the cab driver looks at me but doesn’t say a word as I slide into the back of the car.

  “Where to?”

  “The airport.”

  Drowning in whiskey at the airport sounds like a perfect plan to me. After the morning I’ve had, copious amounts of hard liquor are most definitely called for. The ache in my fucking chest is damn near unbearable, and I can’t get the look of detachment on Ella’s face from my mind. She had already let me go from the moment she walked into that damn hotel room. Her mind was already made up. Nothing I could have said or done would have made her pick me.

  I’m a lost cause destined to walk the earth alone. And I’m fucked if I’ll be looking for another woman to share my life with. Ella’s made it clear that love is something strictly for assholes. And I’m only going to make an asshole of myself once in this lifetime. No way am I falling for a woman again. I wasn’t soft as shit before Ella and I’m sure as hell not going to be soft as shit after her either!

  Throwing down another gulp of whiskey, it burns in that delicious way down my throat making all my senses come alive. I wish they weren’t though, it should be numbing me not making me feel more. But everything is reminding me of Ella fucking Slade. We should be on the beach in Honolulu right now drinking Mai Tai’s and listening to hula music or some shit. But no, she’s too busy comforting Chad while I get ready to board another plane after getting off one merely an hour or so ago.

  I hope she rots in hell.

  Yes, you might say I’m an angry ex, but fuck if she hasn’t fucked up my life in its entirety.

  When I say I left everything for her, I mean everything—my band, my life, my country, my family. I abandoned my entire life—for her.

  And what do I get for that sacrifice?

  Sorry, I choose Chad.

  Fucking whore!

  I was right to treat women the way I used to treat them—use and abuse—because all they want to do is fucking hurt you anyway. Evil succubae. They drain and suck the life out of you, take your soul and pull all your manliness out your ass until you’re a carcass of the man you once were and cowering at the thought of them leaving you because you’d do anything for them. She’s a siren, a witch, an evil sorcerer who put a spell on me, and I swear I will never fall for that again. No, from now on, women will only be in my life for one thing and one thing only—to fuck and forget.

  No more attachments, no more falling for that special woman, that’s not me. It’s back to the old Danger, the rock star, pussy loving, chick magnet that I was idolized for. The man every man wanted to be and the man every woman ached to be with. Danger is back, and nothing will stand in my way, especially not a fucking woman.

  Ever. Again!

  Walking back into my house in England that I shared with Ella—after the day I’ve had—is not just tough but heart wrenching. I look around at the life we made together, the pictures on the wall, the furniture we picked, everything in here is us.

  I cannot physically or mentally stand being here without her. I can’t stand being here period.

  Breathing harshly, I head straight for our bedroom dragging behind me the suitcase I took with me for our vacation, and hoist it up onto our bed to empty it out. Then I turn and start to repack it again. This time instead of vacation items, I pack it with clothes and crap I really want to keep. I’m in a mad rush. I don’t want to be here any longer than necessary so I pack furiously.

  Looking around our home one last time, I shake my head as I gaze at the engagement photos of us on the wall. We looked so happy together.

  “I thought we were happy. I devoted my life to you and it still wasn’t enough.” I swallow hard as I clench my hand into yet another fist and punch the glass shattering the frame as it falls to the floor. My knuckles burn from the cuts but I don’t care, it doesn’t burn as much as the utter rage in my chest.

  I need to go.

  I can’t stay.

  Even though I’m trying to be strong as fuck, it still hurts. I pick up my cell and call the only person I can think of who might be on my side.

  The phone rings twice then he answers. “Rob speaking.”

  Sighing at the sound of not only my boss’s voice but Ella’s agent, I murmur, “Ella left me.”

  Rob’s quiet for a split second then I hear him sigh down the line. “I thought something was happening, Aston said you’d left Honolulu but wouldn’t tell me what was going on. Where are you?”

  Rubbing the back of my neck to help with the kinks that have appeared back there, I look around the room again. “Back in England, but I’m about to leave to go back to the States… for good. I’m leaving the house and everything in it. Can you deal with selling it? Give Ella whatever she wants but sell everything else.”

  He exhales down the line again. “Danger, I know this is a big deal. You and Ella breaking up is terrible, but you can stay in England you know. You‘re awesome at your job, I’ll hate losing you.”

  “I can’t be here, Rob. I know I’m leaving without notice and I know I’m letting you down, but I need to go. I can’t…” My throat chokes up and I trail off as I close my eyes, gritting my teeth together, they squeal slightly from the tension.

  “Okay, I understand. I’m devastated that this has happened to you and I’m sorry it turned out this way. I’ll give you a reference for any position you want in the States, but honestly, when I saw Recoil on tour with Slayed and Staked you guys were great. I think you should center all your energy on the band if they’ll have you back. You just need to refocus, and now without distractions in the way, you guys could be something great.”

  “You really think so?” I haven’t thought about reforming Recoil in a long time because my life has been all about Ella, but now I guess I’m free to think about me and what I can do with my life for a change. Not what I have to give up to be with someone. Maybe now this is my time to shine?

  “I do, Danger. Get back on the horse. Go and perform. Get back into music. You were born to be on stage, take it from someone who knows. And don’t worry, I’ll look after the house and everything here in England. You go and find yourself again.”

  Finally smiling, I nod. Finding me again doesn’t sound so bad after all. Maybe there’s a bright side to this shit storm.

  “Thanks Rob, I appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome. Take care, Danger, and keep in contact.”

  “Will do, see ya.”

  “Ciao.”

  Hanging up the cell, I feel like the only thing I can
focus on is getting back to the States and reforming Recoil.

  I just hope like fuck the boys will have me back.

  All this flying in such a short amount of time is hard on the body. My muscles ache, and I’m sure there’s warnings about shit happening to my legs, but I just need to be home. My real home. Los Angeles, USA. It’s been a long time coming, and an even longer time since I’ve been back here. Living in the UK for the last year has been a big change for me, and being away from my band mates and family has been a big stepping stone in my life. A more than obvious step in the wrong direction mind you. I know that now. Hindsight is the mother of all bitches when she wants to be.

  The cab pulls up out the front of my old home. I lived here with Ryan, my best friend and rock through many a tough time. I’ve missed him, the crazy guy who was always there to cheer me up no matter how somber my mood got. Ryan’s a character, always making everyone laugh. He never fails to entertain.

  Even though he’s older than me when we met we hit it off. We became fast friends and were inseparable quickly. Nothing could get between us, nothing except for Ella. Don’t get me wrong, he loved Ella, they got along great. I just think he didn’t realize how into her I was until I left to be with her. Then shit hit the fan and our friendship faltered. I know he feels like I chose her over him, and let’s face it in a way I did. I wish I hadn’t but I’m here now to make it right.

  Fuck, I hope I can!

  The house looks exactly the same, sandstone front with white trimmings. It’s a great house, Ryan owns it outright. He bought it when he was younger and paid it off with the money he earned from the tours we did, and his part-time jobs. Ryan may be a joker but he’s incredible with money.

  Hopping out of the cab, I grab my luggage and pay the driver with a thank you. He speeds off leaving me looking up at the driveway. Ryan doesn’t know I’m coming. I thought surprise would be the best angle. Let’s hope I’m right.