Allegiance (The Chicago Defiance MC Series Book 8) Read online

  I feel like I want to be sick.

  Honestly, I don’t know how to be near anyone.

  I don’t even know if I can keep doing this.

  I’m supposed to be the head club girl.

  How am I supposed to lead if I can’t even get out of bed?

  I’m a fucking mess.

  I slide down pulling the cover over my head, surrounding myself in warmth and comfort.

  I’m safe in here—no one can touch me.

  “Just go,” I murmur, my voice sounding as broken as I feel.

  Vibe clears his throat like he’s holding back emotion. But he doesn’t say anything as I hear his footsteps heading for my door. “I’m leaving, Hayley, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  I clench my eyes tight, emotion overwhelming me as I try to hold back a sob. I bring my hand to my mouth to hold it in until I hear the click of the door. When it sounds, I let it out as I fall apart beneath the blanket, in the dark, in my hiding spot, away from the real world.

  My body wracks, tears sliding down my face into my pillow until I feel it drenched with the hot salty water. My stomach cramping as I sob the hardest I have since this nightmare began.

  Vibe is with me.

  He shouldn’t even want to touch me, but all he wants to do is make sure I’m all right.

  I don’t deserve him.

  Not even one little bit.

  Suddenly, there’s a knock on my door, but I ignore it, continuing to cry. I’m not sure why Vibe is choosing to knock this time. Maybe I was too hard on him before.

  I’m such an asshole.

  I hear the door open, and I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “Just leave, Vibe. I told you already!”

  I hear the door close. Stubborn fucker.

  “Hayley…” A female voice shocks me so much that I yank the blanket down without caring what I look like. I know I’m a disaster zone. My eyes try to focus, but it’s hard through the foggy tears as I take in the blonde beauty standing by the edge of my bed. It takes a second before my eyes can focus.

  “Sparx?” What the hell is the VP’s Old Lady doing in my room?

  She sits on the edge of the bed, and I sluggishly sit up while wiping my eyes. She’s being careful with her movements as she smiles at me. Not a sympathetic one or one of those you-poor-thing smiles. Just a genuine one. “You look like shit.”

  I manage a small laugh, it’s the first time since…

  “Thanks. You’re the first person not to walk on eggshells around me.”

  “Hon, if there’s one thing I hate when I’m having an episode, it’s when people treat me like I’m an idiot. I know when I’m depressed or manic or that I’m not doing well. I know that I look like shit, and I’m acting crazy. I don’t need people to treat me with kid gloves or wrap me up in cotton wool. I just need them to tell me how shit is and to get through it. That’s how it has to be done. No pussyfooting.”

  I lower the blanket, resting it in my lap, assessing her. If there’s anyone in the club who has a vague idea of what I’m going through, it’s Sparx. She hasn’t been assaulted, but she has been in a headspace where the world just doesn’t make sense anymore.

  I link my hands together in front of me. “I don’t know how to feel. How to think. How to act. I feel so…”

  “Lost?” she answers for me.

  My eyes well again as she shifts closer to me. I let her.

  “The thing is, Hayley, it’s when we’re completely out in the dark, that we need a reason to find that light again. When I fell into the dark, I ran. I left the one good thing I had going for me.”

  “Trax?”

  “It was the stupidest thing I ever did. Leaving Trax not only sent me on a path of destruction, it sent Trax spiraling too. Not to mention I was put into a psych hospital where I met Everett Scott and his father.”

  “President Scott, the man who aided the Irish in coming here all that time ago?”

  Sparx exhales. “The one and the same. So, you see, me running had dire consequences for not only my health but this club. If I had stayed, fought like hell through my demons, remained with the man who loved me, and let him in to help me, well… who knows?” Sparx exhales with a slight pause. “You can’t change history, nor the future. But you certainly have a hand in the present.” She leans out her hand resting it on my knee, and for the first time, I don’t flinch away.

  If Sparx can come out of her dark place, she’s given me hope that maybe, just maybe, with time, I will too.

  “It’s a hard road, Hayley. You can’t travel it blind nor alone. You need to let those who love you, those who care for you… in. It’s not easy, but in the end, it saves everyone from a hell of a lot of hurt.”

  “You think I’m being too hard on Vibe?”

  She tilts her head. “I think you’re in pain and you’re trying to process the only way you know how. But Vibe isn’t the enemy, Hayley. He adores you. No matter what you think of yourself, and no matter how you view yourself right now, his thoughts, the way he sees you, that hasn’t changed.”

  I scrunch up my face. “How can it not? How can he ever see me as the same woman? The woman he found incredibly sexy. How can I be anything but…”

  She smiles again, that same genuine smile. “Because, Hayley, he simply loves you. Everyone can see it, even if you can’t right now. The thing about unconditional love is… it doesn’t matter what happens to your partner, it doesn’t define them. We love them anyway and continue to adore them.”

  “I can’t possibly imagine how he could look at me the same.”

  “Okay… think about this. If the club got into a war with someone, and Vibe was caught in the middle, and in that huge battle, Vibe was injured and had to have his right arm and leg amputated, would you still love him unconditionally?”

  “What? Of course, I would. No matter what. But it’s completely different—”

  “Is it? Wouldn’t he look at himself as ugly, as less of a man and not good enough for you? Wouldn’t he want you to move on without him, so you didn’t have to take care of him? You know I’m right.”

  “Yeah, he would… but I wouldn’t let him push me away because I love him too much. I would stick by him no matter what he looked like. No matter what damage was done to him mentally.”

  “See where I’m going with this?”

  I flop back on the bed staring up at the ceiling. “Him thinking I’m not sexy anymore is all in my head… not his. Right?”

  Sparx squeezes my knee comfortingly. “Now you’re catching on…” She smiles. “You’ve been through something, Hayley. Something no woman, no person should ever have to go through.” I clench my eyes for fear of them leaking again as she continues, “You can stay holed up in here. You can wrap yourself up and hide away from the world pretending like it didn’t happen. Or… you can face up to it. You can look at yourself in the mirror and realize that nothing… not one thing you did caused this to happen.”

  “But I must have done something. Led him on. Given him a signal… I must have done something, Sparx. Otherwise, why did it h-happen?” My voice cracks, but her face doesn’t falter as she stares at me losing my shit.

  “You did do something, Hayley.”

  I jerk back stunned at her words. I’ve been telling myself this over and over, but to hear someone confirm it, gives it validation. Sparx reaches out grabbing my hands in hers, her eyes locking onto mine in a firm stare. “What you did is simple… you were the right girl there at the wrong time. That’s what you did. A man like that asshole… he knew what he was after, and you were simply in the wrong place…” She softens her voice. “That’s all you did, Hayley. Not a damn thing else.”

  I blink my eyes a few times, and she reaches forward, pulling me into her arms. For the first time since this all happened, I let someone embrace me. I collapse into her hold. Just feeling the warmth of someone is comforting. The thought had crossed my mind that I might never be able to touch anyone ever again.

  Honestly, the thoug
ht crossed my mind that I might not make it through the night. But Sparx has given me hope—hope that I can do this. That there is brightness at the end of this seemingly dark tunnel. It might still be dim down this end, but there is a glimmer, one that wasn’t there before. I just needed some perspective. Maybe sometimes you simply need advice from someone who’s been in a similar kind of situation.

  Sparx gets it. So, she gets me. And right now, I need that.

  I need her.

  I sniffle, pulling back and clear my throat. “Sorry, I kinda lost it for a second there.”

  Sparx’s hands move to my shoulders as she stares right at me. “You take all the time you need, and I will be here for whatever and whenever you need me. But you know I’m not the only one you can lean on or needs you.”

  “Vibe?”

  Sparx pulls her lips in tight while nodding her head.

  I inhale sharply.

  I’ve been so awful to him the past couple of days.

  I have to do better.

  I need to be better.

  “Did he ask you to come in here?”

  She weakly smiles. “He did. Vibe knows what you need, and right now it’s not him. It’s a woman who knows what you’re going through. He’s thought about it, hard. He simply wants to be here for you. Without pushing, without any agenda—”

  “I know. Dammit… I know. I feel better now I’ve talked it out with you. My head’s clearer.”

  “Thing is, though, Hayley, when you’re by yourself, and those thoughts creep back in… the memories, the flashbacks… you’re going to start regressing, folding back in on yourself—”

  “I won—”

  “You will. Trust me. From experience, I know.”

  “Then you can help me? Pull me out of my own mind… right?” Even I can hear my desperation.

  Sparx frowns as her hands slide down my arms gripping onto my hands and squeezing. “Hayley, I will always be here to help when I can. But this is going to be the last thing you want to hear from me right now.” She shakes her head. “I can’t help you. Not really. I can give you advice about what I know, about my experiences. I can be a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on, absolutely. But what you really need is a counselor, or maybe even a step further and see a psychologist or psychiatrist.”

  I turn up my nose. “I… I don’t know. I don’t see how dragging up what happened once a week will help. Surely, that will just hurt me more.”

  “It’s not about reliving what happened every time you see a specialist. It’s about talking through how you’re feeling at that moment in time. Every time you see them, you will feel something different. It’s about them showing you ways of dealing with your stress levels and coping mechanisms. It’s about reminding you that while what you’re feeling is a valid emotion, it might not necessarily be a healthy emotion. And they will tell you, teach you, help you to figure out why and how to change your way of thinking. Hayley, quite simply, they teach you how to cope. You’re never going to be the same person you were. But they can show you how to live in this new life, how to function and live to your full potential. You need to grasp onto that because if you don’t, this tunnel you’re in is only going to get darker and darker until in the end…” she exhales, “… the blackness will swallow you whole.”

  My heart thuds in my chest as I think over what Sparx has said. With this little glimpse of light, she is showing me today, I need to cling to it. I don’t want to drown. I don’t ever want to feel that low again. I need to fight. Fight for me. Fight for my relationship with Vibe. Damn well fight for life because I am strong. If I don’t, I let that asshole who did this to me, win. And that shit is not an option. He does not get to be the death of my soul.

  “Thanks, Sparx, you have no idea what you’ve done for me today. You’ve helped clear my head.”

  She squeezes my hands again. “I think I do. I know that look you had in your eyes. I know because I’ve seen it reflected in mine when I used to look in the mirror. I know the state you were in when I came in here. But I’m glad to see that the darkness has lifted a little. I’m happy I could help.”

  A gentle knocking sounds at the door, and we both turn to look at it.

  I tense a little then roll my shoulders to ease the strain. “Come in,” I murmur.

  The door opens a fraction, and Vibe sticks his head through. His eyes appear heavy as he checks me over. It’s only now I see how my devastatingly handsome man is being affected by this. The usually cheerful Finnish biker is broken. He’s a shell of the tough man he once was. I’ve done that to him, not by what happened to me.

  Me. Because I’ve been pushing him away.

  “How’s everything going in here?” he asks quietly while assessing us.

  Taking a deep breath, I glance at Sparx, and she subtly nods at me. So, I steady my shoulders and decide I need to take a stand. I can’t let what happened to me continue to affect me. At least, not at this moment, not here and now. I slide out of bed and start walking toward the door. Vibe’s eyes widen as he steps through, shutting it behind him, and he strides to meet me halfway. We stop in the middle of the room. Vibe reaches out to grab my hand, then hesitates and pulls back, a pained expression crossing his face.

  My heart hammers in my chest. The idea of him touching me is scary as hell. But this is all in my head and maybe, if I take a leap, he will leap with me. So, I step forward and slide my arms around his waist, my head instantly falling to his chest. Home.

  Vibe hesitates again like he’s unsure of whether he’s allowed to touch me or not.

  I know that’s my fault, so I say, “Vibe, hold me.”

  He doesn’t waste another second as his strong arms wrap around me, and I let out a heavy exhale feeling like there’s no place in the world I would rather be right now. He is my home, my safe place, and I know right here, right now, that I should have let him in from the start. There’s no way I’m letting Vibe out of my life. No matter if I view myself as damaged, I know he doesn’t, and that’s something to hold onto.

  “I’m going to give you guys some time. But I’m here if you need me,” Sparx’s voice is low, almost a whisper as if she doesn’t want to disturb us as I hear the door click. But I don’t move, just letting Vibe hold me. His hand strokes my hair as the emotion bubbles to the surface again. I cling to him tighter, and he seems to understand what I need from him. He holds me, without saying a word, without moving, just stroking my hair and taking me in.

  “I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

  He pulls back. “Stop. I understand. I’m not going anywhere. Nothing will stop me from loving you, Hayley. Nothing.”

  I gnaw on my bottom lip to try and stop it from trembling. “I feel like I’m not worthy of you anymore. How could you possibly want to be with me after…”

  He turns, pulling me with him toward the full-length mirror. Vibe moves in behind me as I stare at my reflection. My purple pajamas looking a size too big as they flop over my bruised skin. My hair’s a tangled mess. My eyes are swollen and red from crying. I don’t know what he’s trying to achieve right now, but I’m feeling worse from looking at myself. I turn in his arms to go and walk off, but he spins me back, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me in place. I tense a little as his chin rests on my shoulder.

  Vibe stares in the mirror looking at me. “You want to know what I see?”

  “A woman who needs to shower and brush her hair?”

  He chuckles, planting a tender kiss on my cheek. “No.” His hands move out smoothing my hair down into something more presentable as he eyes me up and down. “I see the way your left cheek dips in a little more than your right. When you smile, it causes this cute little dimple on one side of your face…” He runs his hand over my cheek in a loving way, and I follow the movement with my eyes. “I see the freckle on your earlobe that I can’t help but stare at all the time. For no reason other than it fascinates me because it’s so damn cute.” Vibe leans in kissing just under my ear tenderly. “I see t
he sparkle in your blue eyes, reflecting like the waves of the ocean, pulling me in with each crash against the shore. Every time they sparkle, I know it’s because you’re excited about something or happy to see me.” He chuckles. “I love that damn sparkle.”

  My heart pounds frantically in my chest as his hand slides around my stomach up and under my pajama top. I tense closing my eyes wanting more than anything for him to stop, but also more than that, for him not to. My head swarms in confusion as his hand halts on my bare stomach, and he presses against my belly ring.

  “I see the way your stomach clenches when I touch you, the way your belly ring dances in delight when I run my hand along your smooth skin. I watch the way your skin prickles in goosebumps when a breeze wafts in the room, and you reach for my gray hoodie…” He grins. “It looks way better on you than it does on me anyway.”

  I manage a smile as my eyes meet his in the mirror.

  “I see your lips…” his hand slides up, his thumb running over my bottom lip carefully, “… always so pink and vibrant. So, fucking pretty. I want to kiss you every second of every fucking day, Hayley. What do I see? I see you. I see all of you. I love all of you. The way you have been, the way you are, the way you will be. I. Love. You. As you are. You think you’re not worthy of me?” He scoffs. “Hayley, I worship the ground you walk on. You’re stronger than anyone I know. You’re not worthy of me?” Vibe shakes his head. “No, Babe, I’m not worthy of you.”

  My heart leaps into my throat as fresh tears trickle down my cheeks and pool at my chin. I spin in his arms as I stare into his eyes. “Why? Why would you say that?”

  Vibe’s arms snake around my waist holding me to him, his forehead leaning forward and resting on mine. “I should have been there. I should have been at the club to bring you home safely.”

  My stomach falls through the floor. I feel sick. I’ve spent the past few days wallowing in my own self-pity when I haven’t stopped to think about how this is affecting other people around me.

  Vibe’s blaming himself.

  This isn’t his fault. No fucking way.