Deviance (The Chicago Defiance MC Series Book 3) Read online

  I’m not sure.

  Only time will tell.

  After Dad left, we all ate breakfast sitting around and chatting like old times. It’s amazing how easily I fit back into the groove of this club. When I was here last time, I sank into the background. Sure, I knew everyone, and they all knew me, but I didn’t take the time to get to know everyone properly. I was way too wrapped up in Trax and needed to be away from people. This time, though, I want to make sure I get to know everyone, after all, I have no idea how long I’m going to be here. So I may as well make some friends along the way. If Trax and I are going to just be friends, then there’s no point being all about him while I’m here. I need to broaden my horizon, get to know everyone. But for right now, I’m going to spend a little time with him to catch up and see how things are going in his life.

  As we walk around the outside of the giant clubhouse, the stale smell of the South Branch Chicago River hits my senses, and I chuckle remembering this was always the one thing that reminded me I was here. We head down the back to where there are a set of swings for the children that sometimes come to the compound for family days. My lips twist up a little as I take a seat. Trax sits on the other one as I glance at the big burly biker seated on a child’s swing beside me. I let out a small giggle as he rolls his eyes.

  “Shut up, I’m a child at heart, you know this,” he grunts making me burst out laughing as my lips break from a small twist into a full glowing smile.

  “I do know this…” I look at him as I push off with my legs to swing slowly, but only a little as he stays stationary. “You still have the face of a kid to—”

  “Shut up, woman!”

  I let out a laugh as I rock back and forth. Gnawing on my bottom lip, I glance at him. “Do you think… I mean, if I had stayed—”

  “Mylee!” he warns.

  My muscles are tense as a lump gets caught in my throat. “So we’re not going to talk about it, at all? We’re just going to say we’re better off as friends, and that’s it?”

  He looks to the ground letting out a huff. “I think while you’re here and we’re trying to figure out a way to get this Everett guy off your case, the best thing for us is to keep ourselves grounded. If we get lost in each other…” His eyes narrow as his forehead creases. “I just think, you’re better off without me.”

  I scoff. “Why would you ever think that?”

  He looks up at me with tension in his brows. “Mylee, honestly, when you came back to the club was it to be with me?”

  I stop swinging and look at him slowly, a knot forming in my stomach. “No.”

  “Exactly. You didn’t come here looking to start things up with me again. Just because when you saw me, it made you think we should, doesn’t mean that… we should. It’s just falling into old patterns. I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to hurt you. It’s too dangerous.”

  “You think you’ll hurt me?”

  “No, but—”

  “You think I’ll hurt you.”

  He exhales looking into my eyes as I chew on my bottom lip.

  “I get it. I know I hurt you. I can never apologize enough for that. I suppose all I can do now is be your friend. If something more comes of it, then that’s amazing. If not, then I will love being your friend. Because having you in my life, Trax…” I shake my head letting out a long breath, “… means more to me than anything else.”

  He smiles, finally kicking on the ground, so his swing moves through the air. Not a lot, just a little, so he’s swinging back and forth making the mood a little lighter.

  I move to swing too as we rock back and forth on the children’s play set.

  “Did you think two years ago we would be here today?” I ask.

  He lets out a snort. “No. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

  I glance at him. “Well, I’m glad I’m here.”

  His eyes soften. “Me, too, Mylee. Me, too.”

  I sigh. “I’m glad we’re able to talk, though, open and honestly. It would suck if you ignored me.”

  He chuckles. “I’m not a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl. I’m not going to fucking ignore you. We can work at this. I may not think we should pursue this romantically, but friends… friends we can definitely do.”

  Disappointment flows through me like a Mack truck, but I try to play it off. “So muscles, what are we gonna do today?”

  He chuckles rolling his eyes. “Muscles?”

  I waggle my brows looking at his biceps. They’re practically bulging out of his shirt as he grips onto the chains of the swing. “Yeah, I see you’re still working out.”

  He shrugs. “Guns get the girls,” he mocks, but I inwardly cringe. Thinking of him with other women makes my skin crawl. His cocky smirk falls. “Sorry, bad joke… do you think… I mean, I think I’m ready to hear what happened the two years you were gone.”

  I glance at him, my eyes softening as my lips turn slightly in surprise. “Are you sure. I don’t want you to think I’m forcing my story on you. I don’t want you to get angry at me.”

  He shakes his head. “I should have let you tell me what happened. I was angry. Hurt you didn’t come back for me. I don’t handle anger well, Mylee.”

  Knowing he has anger issues because of me breaks my heart, but maybe if I tell him my truth, it might ease it for him. So I stop the swing and look right at him. “I feel like saying sorry won’t cut it… leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But after I left, I went straight into the hospital. My medication regime was started immediately, and it took a long time to get the dosages right.”

  His head jolts back, his tired eyes gazing over my features. “What do you mean?” he asks. The anger that’s been weighing him down seems to shift, and a calmer tone settles in.

  Swallowing hard at the memory, I gnaw on my bottom lip watching him take in my every word. “I started on a couple of medications. It worked… for a while. It stabilized my moods, but it had serious side effects.”

  He tenses. “What the hell? What kind of side effects?”

  His chest raises and falls like he’s panting for breath as my body begins to remember the feelings. The emotions. The never ending cycle of uncertainty that went with trying to find the right dosages and medication. It was a nightmare. Sometimes it felt like the remedy is worse than the disease. “The first tablets made me into a zombie. While it stabilized me, I was completely zoned out most of the time, but they wanted to keep me on the tablets to see if my moods would level out over a prolonged period. So, I kept trying. Then…” my eyes narrow, “… worse side effects came.”

  He shifts on the swing turning to face me even more, like he wants to move closer but is afraid to. “Go on.”

  My lips gingerly turn up, and I can’t help but notice him focus in on my mouth.

  I wonder what he’s thinking.

  Fuck, he’s gorgeous.

  I continue to tell him my story. “Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed my extra love handles.” I grab hold of my belly. His lips match the motion of mine turning up at me clutching my small love handles. Compared to the skeletal frame I was before, I’ve definitely put on weight. “I put on eighty pounds in the first six months. Obviously, I’ve managed to lose most of it, but some of it has remained, and I think it will probably be part of me now.”

  His eyes widen. “Holy shit,” he blurts out.

  I grimace with a sad look on my face. “It’s not even the half of it. My hair started to fall out… big lumps of it, too. Then the doctors decided the side effects were too bad, and it was time to pull me off that medication. Thank God.”

  He shakes his head looking me up and down suggestively. “Thank fuck for that. I mean I wouldn’t care if you were the size of a house and you had no hair, but surely that couldn’t have been good for your self-esteem?”

  My smile is weaker, the sadness glimmering in my eyes as my thumbs rub over links in the chains of the swing. “Yeah, well… then they had to admit me to the hospital to wean me
off the medication, so I could start a new regime of pills. The next lot still made me into a zombie, but over time the side effects diminished, and I cope a lot better now…” I pause with a sigh. “I still have days, but I’m hardly manic at all. Depression only sets in when something really bad happens, and the episodes don’t last anywhere near as long, which is good.”

  He shakes his head looking impressed. “Mylee, you’re brave. I know you watched your mother go through this, and when you found out you had it, too, I know it scared the shit out of you. But honestly, you can do this. You can live with it. Loads of people do.”

  My eyes glisten as they look up at him. “When Mom took her own life because of her bipolar disorder, I never thought my life would be the same. Finding her on the bathroom floor…” I close my eyes, a tear sliding down my face gently, my chest aching at the memory, “… it triggered my condition. My world went into meltdown. I… I don’t know how you can be so tolerant, so understanding.”

  Trax steps off the swing, walks over, and kneels in front of me. He brings his hand up, cupping my face, my blonde hair threading through his fingers as he caresses my cheek and looks into my eyes. “Mylee, from the moment I met you, I knew you were special. Not different, special. To me, you’re perfect as you are. I wouldn’t change you. Not a thing. You hear me?”

  My eyes glisten, my bottom lip trembles as I take a deep breath. “I want to be normal for you, Konnor.”

  He visibly shudders. “You’re the right kind of normal I need, Mylee.”

  Elation rolls through me as I gnaw down on my bottom lip. He looks into my eyes. Something passes between us. I told him. Everything. Why I was gone for so long, and he didn’t get angry. In fact, he’s been great about it. “So what now?”

  Trax exhales, dropping his hand from my face, stands up and walks to his swing taking another seat. My heart sinks a little. I thought we were making a little progress, but he’s backed away.

  “Thank you for telling me all of that. It can’t have been easy.”

  I shrug. “It’s been my life for two years. I’ve lived it. It’s a part of me, so I’m okay telling the story.”

  He looks to the ground. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help.”

  I shake my head. “There was no way you could have been, Trax, but you’re here now,” I offer hoping it will lift his spirits.

  He nods. “Yeah… so you made it through, your medication is on track… so tell me, what else have you been doing with yourself?”

  I smile a genuine smile.

  He’s not running away.

  He’s not giving up.

  He’s still engaging in conversation.

  He’s still in this with me.

  “Mainly just working for myself. It’s easiest when you don’t know how your moods are going to be. Plus, I can work my own hours and when I want, basically.”

  “Still doing the websites?”

  “Yeah, designing and testing. It pays the bills. It’s easy to do on the road. I take my laptop loaded with all my software, and I can do it anywhere. Which is good for when the club’s traveling around.”

  He raises his brow. “So you were still living at the Knights’ clubhouse?”

  “Yeah, Dad wanted to keep an eye on me. I came out of the psych ward then went straight into the clubhouse. I felt safe there. I know everyone, they all know me. It worked… until it didn’t with the whole Everett thing.”

  He winces. “I’m sure they’ll miss you.”

  Pursing my lips, I sigh. “Yeah, I miss them already, but the club can’t have the Scott’s digging around right now. You know how it is. If Everett and his senator father, Malcolm, come looking for me, the club can’t come under fire. They don’t need any kind of heat on them right now. Especially from the government. Dad has way too many important deals going through.”

  “I get it. Senators can be assholes. Having a mentally unstable son doesn’t help his aspirations... I’m sorry I didn’t fight more to come and see you when you were in the hospital. I should have pushed harder… past your father.”

  I snort out a laugh. “No, you shouldn’t. Risking a war with Dad wasn’t worth it, Trax. You did the exact right thing. I needed the time to get my head right because I certainly wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.”

  Bringing his swing to a stop with a heavy sigh, he stands abruptly like he’s having trouble being here with me. So I stand as well. The mood in the air changes dramatically. Tension fills the atmosphere, and my brows scrunch as I reach out grabbing his arm. He turns back to look at me, his eyes are distant. He looks hurt. Lost. I’m not sure what to do, so I do the only thing I can think of, I inch closer to him running my hands up his chest. His chest’s heaving as he looks into my eyes, both our breaths coming in short and shallow. His hands come up quickly gripping hold of my wrists on his chest halting my movement upward.

  Now we’re locked together in an embrace, staring at each other, breathing heavily, neither of us saying anything as electric tension fills the air around us. It’s like energy pulsing through my atoms, filling everything in an intense surge, pulsing, vibrating through every element within me and around us.

  I stare at him, his eyes never leave mine. It’s like I’m seeing him for the first time or for the thousandth. I have no idea, but right now, everything’s changing. The idea of us just being friends sounds ridiculous as we stare at each other, breathless.

  I inch closer needing to touch him, to feel his lips on mine, just wanting to remember what he tastes like. I know he wants this too. His tongue darts out subtly licking his bottom lip as his chest heaves, and I inch up on my toes leaning in. Tilting my head, my lips press closer to his, only a hair’s breadth away from his. His breath wisps against my lips making them tingle. A shudder runs down my spine at the thought of us actually kissing again after so long apart. The excitement inside of me is at a toxic level as I inch closer. My lips graze his, the prickle of his beard teases my skin. I close my eyes ready to lean in fully, to feel him completely.

  His hands tighten around my wrists on his chest, and he pulls back dramatically putting some distance between us, effectively breaking the kiss before it even had a chance to begin, before I had a chance to truly connect with him.

  MYLEE

  My heart plummets while my eyes shoot wide open as he steps back dropping my hands from his. His drooping eyes tell me he’s conflicted, but I break eye contact with him as I look to the ground feeling rejected. He doesn’t want me. I made myself available, I told him my truths, and he’s clearly pulled away. My breathing is fast as I try to control my rapid cycling emotions. I need to not let the storm swell right now. I know he’s turning me down, but this doesn’t need to send me over the edge.

  I’m a big girl, I can handle him not wanting me.

  Right?

  “Mylee…” he murmurs.

  I risk glancing up at him as I sniff. His eyes look pained. I don’t know if that makes it hurt even more—the fact he looks so cut up about this too.

  “It’s fine, we’re friends, yeah?” I try to break the clear tension between us.

  His eyes clench like he’s in pain. “We shouldn’t—”

  “Trax, we have chemistry, we always did. But it’s fine. I know you don’t want anything from me, so I’ll try to reign myself in. I just…” I clear my throat, a lump getting caught as I try to think of what I’m trying to say. “I miss us.”

  His eyes open, they look forlorn, his face falling as he takes another step away from me putting even more distance between us.

  Another nail in the coffin.

  Another hit to my fractured heart.

  I will myself not to cry in front of him as I wrap my arms around myself for comfort. I look back toward the clubhouse feeling like I need the support of the people in there more than the man I used to seek comfort from in front of me right now. I have no idea how this is going to work. Our attraction to each other is there, but he wants to fight it, and right now I’m going to let h
im. So, I turn, swallowing the lump in my throat, and start to walk toward the clubrooms.

  “Mylee,” he calls out, but I don’t turn back to look at him. I can’t, it hurts. I want to be with him, he’s fighting it at every angle, but I get it. I left him when shit got hard, that hurt him. I know this isn’t his way of payback, that’s not his style, but I can’t help but feel this is my penalty for leaving him. I have to suffer for the sins of my past. While I can’t say this is entirely fair, and I don’t like it, but I understand.

  “It’s fine, Trax,” I blurt out. I’m hurting. I hate we have to be like this. Especially when I can tell he’s fighting against everything in himself to be this way.

  My heart’s pummeling in my chest, and I feel like there’s so much left unsaid. So much that needs to be straightened out right now, but just as I’m freely walking away, he’s letting me go. So I guess that’s all there is, right? I don’t know how long I’m going to be here for, but Trax and I need to find some kind of balance. And nearly kissing can’t be our thing. Right now, I need to find someone to take my mind off the love of my life, and the ever-present storm threatening to invade my senses.

  But I won’t let those fucking thunder clouds invade my mind.

  Not today.

  I’ve worked too damn hard to get to where I am, and just because I have an illness, it doesn’t define me. It doesn’t manipulate me in every emotional situation. I can push through this little problem and still see a clear sky at the end of the day.

  I am strong.

  I’m okay.

  I am okay!

  Taking a deep breath, I walk inside the clubhouse and finally away from the deep glare of Trax’s eyes on my back as I traipse the hall looking for someone to take my mind off things. Walking into the open expanse of the main room, I see Neala sitting at the bar. I think she’s the girl I need right now. Quickly stepping over to her, I slide on the stool beside her. She glances up. There’s something about the way her face lights up when she smiles, it’s like all your cares wash away, and she makes you feel that little bit more human again.